When I was ten years old, I dropped an F-bomb in front of my mother. She took a deep breath and calmly said to me, “You know, honey, boys won’t like you if you talk like that.” Props to her for taking that approach, as I was entering middle school and most girls that age do start to notice boys. The problem was it had never occurred to me to weigh a boy’s opinion of what I was doing, saying, thinking or wearing. They were still more of a nuisance than a variable to my behavior. 

But when I was told that boys wouldn’t like me if I used swear words, this immediately signaled to my young brain that romantic relationships were a very valuable staple in life and that my behavior should reflect what potential partners would find likable, so I would be chosen. I never once remember receiving the message that I should go focus on myself and that whoever loved me for the truest, most authentic version of myself would be an exponentially better fit.

After my divorce, I decided to take a few years to be single. It seemed like a crazy idea, but when I reviewed the previous decade and realized I’d only been single for a total of eleven months, I knew this was one of the seemingly insane, definitely uncomfortable shifts I wanted to make. I committed to being single — thus only choosing myself — for a year. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed it, and I decided to continue this path for as long as it served me. 

It was difficult at times, but I knew I was recalibrating a part of my consciousness and lifestyle that would result in improving my life and reclaiming space I previously reserved for romantic partnerships. If and when I chose to have a partner in the future, the relationship would be that much healthier and fulfilling. 

Once I removed the assumption that I’d have a partner to travel with, to live with, to fix stuff, to sleep with, and to take into consideration, I got to experience what life as a man must be like. My life became about me. The decisions I made, the career moves I chose, the fact that I wrote my book and relaunched my wellbeing company are largely because I stopped waiting on what my next relationship would bring and who I would adjust myself around. I saw a hesitation and a waiting that shocked me. And without it, there was so much more time and energy to focus on exactly what I wanted: 

• fulfilling my dream of being an author 

• growing my businesses and having time for meeting bright, 
  talented people 

• healing and growing beyond what I thought was possible 

• taking classes and learning about things that interest me 

• buying a gorgeous and serene 1931 vintage cottage three 
  thousand miles from my current city 

• becoming more familiar with my body, my orgasms, and 
  my sexual identity

It wasn’t that I didn’t want a partner ever again—I very much love being in (good) relationships. It was that I was truly enjoying the experience of living as though I was enough instead of buying into the belief that because I didn’t have a partner, there was something off-putting, wrong, or unattractive about me. It took some time to get used to, as all habits do, but I wouldn’t give that time up for anything. 

Here are the questions that were born from my happily single and exploratory years. I use them with my design clients, friends, and even myself. 

1. When and with whom do you feel pressure to be in a romantic relationship? Who accepts you no matter what your relationship status is?

2. Do you want a partner at this time in your life? Why or why not? 

3. What have you stifled or compromised in relationships that you wish you could finally own or be appreciated for? 

4. Has loneliness or financial challenges affected the value you put on having a partner? How do you feel about that?

5. Do you hold the belief that your life cannot be successful or complete unless you are part of a twosome?

6. If you are in a relationship, can you embrace your unique self with the partner you currently have, or do you find yourself constantly maneuvering?

7. Think about your favorite, healthiest relationship. What was the one component that made it so? 

Questions like these are important because they allow us to reflect upon and honor our own experiences, needs and wants before getting into a relationship. They draw us inward to what’s real, so we can choose better next time (or not at all), instead of letting us off the hook by doing the easy thing (again) — adjusting around someone else. 

Compromising ourselves in order to be chosen or to become what we think someone else desires can feel like a seductive choice. But eventually, the pendulum of our soul swings back into place, into the truth or who we are and what we want for ourselves. Creating space to consider the questions above —and any others that arise in the process, go wild! —provides a fresh perspective, honest insight and self-authorship in how we choose our futures, regardless of whether that includes somebody else. 

About the Contributor:

Gianna Biscontini is a Board-Certified Behavior Analyst who challenges women to overcome narratives and fight for their rights to live interesting and authentic lives outside boxes created by society. Her work as a keynote speaker, lifestyle design and leadership coach, and writer has gained national attention in publications such as Forbes and has reached podcast audiences in over 100 countries. Prior to publishing Fuckless: A Guide to Wild, Unencumbered Freedoms, Biscontini founded the innovative employee well-being agency W3RKWELL.

 
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Yvon Lux is the editor of her Apple News channel. Her “blogazine” celebrates sisterhood and empowers women by focusing on women’s health, travel, lifestyle, and entrepreneurial news while also sharing the most coveted trends and style stories.

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Yvon’s upcoming Lifestyle Magazine covering organizations and individuals that are blazing trails and sharing inspiring tales.